Me and Bullying

There are reasons why people are them. Reasons as it's their past, experiences, bad or good. Me, I'd like to think that those reasons are the "ingredients" to create people like they are now.
For example, there's reason why Mr. Jaden is so annoying to older woman. My personal thought: because his mom left him when he was very young. Or maybe because his older ex-girlfriend cheated on him. Or maybe he is just gay. See, there has to be a reason why Mr. Jaden is that way.
Another example, there must be a reason why Gilly is lesbian. She might liked girls since young, or maybe she was harassed by older people. Maybe she just crazy. Well, sorry!
There are reason why I am me. You'll never know, maybe my temper's born when I watched stupid Twilight; when Bella decided to transform herself to vampire and threw away her life for stupid Edward which...........--
Okay OOT.
Maybe my wicked self was born because of some people. Or maybe I'm just despicable that way. Or maybe I'm bullied.

Bullying.

That one word alone is quite sensitive for me to talk about.
I was bullied for 3 years for reasons that I didn't even know exactly why. Those 3 years were the worst time of my worst nightmare. I barely hold on. You may find this stupid, being all sentimental over some silly mockery. Almost all people in my school mocked me and called me "Bawa Sial!"--bad luck. It was so bad that I couldn't leisurely walk on the school corridor. They would walked so far from me as if I brought Zika virus with me, ready to infect them. They pursued other students to stay away from me. One of them stepped on my lunch (yeah, that didn't happen just once). They even tore my profile on year book.

Not only bullying, actually, I happened to experience some minor problem, like my boyfriend cheated on me with his three girlfriends, family issues, health condition...
I almost killed myself at the end of my first year in high school. In the end, my parents knew it before I could have done it. See, there's always a reason to something. I wore bracelet in my high school years because I was scared, I might try to kill myself again. Stupid, I know. But at that time, that was the only way I know. I wore bracelets on my both hands until college--first year.

It was so bad that I barely made friends---in the end they didn't really have my back. Well, right now I don't care about them. My mom insisted that I should always come to her everyday, to tell her about my day at school. She didn't want to leave me alone. Well imagine how I survive 3 years of bullying, alone, with the thought of killing myself EVERYDAY. My mom made sure I didn't go lunatic.

Okay enough with depressing story.

Since then, I'm all about "self-proving". I learnt many things just so people don't call me bad luck.
I believe in myself alone, and no one I can trust. I build my own wall and sometimes, just some rare times I wore "mask" just to hide myself. I know it's not good, but that's me.
When you faced someone who tried used to try to kill herself everyday, you know something had happened.

See, reasons.

Beda?

'Cause we're young and we're reckless
And we'll take this way too far
It'll leave you breathless
or with a nasty scar
Got a long list of ex lovers
They'll tell you I'm insane
But I got blank space baby
And I'll write your name

Sudah terlalu sering gue denger orang-orang bilang "Kali ini sangat berbeda. Gue yakin dia orangnya." Yeah right. Gue juga selalu mikir begitu tiap kali rasa cinta sialan itu nimpuk hati gue, bahkan terhadap seorang cowok yang jelas beda "haluan". Apakah itu juga cinta? Entah.
Ketika raga udah lelah dan hati udah kering, apa sebuah perhatian bisa mengalihkan logika dan mengundang cinta? Another silly hypothesis.
Apakah karena teori "tiap manusia beda-beda" makanya ada pendapat kalau setiap kali kita berhubungan cinta dengan orang lain, pasti akan terasa berbeda? Kayak memakai dress yang warnanya sama tapi modelnya beda?
Gue akui setiap gue baru jadian, gue akan berpikir "Ah kali ini pasti berbeda." Tapi setelah gue putus dan gue mengingat ke belakang, hey, semua mantan pacar gue ternyata nggak beda-beda amat!
So is it that stupid love? Cinta yang membutakan masa awal kita baru jadian? Maybe.

Emotional Week

It's been an emotional week for me and sometimes I reached a point where I couldn't handle it anymore. I cried a lot, like a lot. Many things happened this week and I couldn't do anything but stay still.
I did a great work for my job, I reached more than just a target, but it seems my boss didn't appreciate it at all. Moveover she even mocked me for being..... me. She told me to not be creative. It's like what the f?
It's went on all days straight and I even got stress out.
Forget about the works and stuff, I got myself a mental crushed thanks to certain people. Well, who needs heart anyway? You can be all mean and underestimate other's feelings. I think it's been an unfair week for me.

Damn Encounter

This is the third time I had sudden encounter with you. Without any plan or thoughts I meet you again, moreover in a week straight! I still hate the way we bump, though. I hate it. I just hate everything about you. But you just there, looking at me like nothing happened.
"Tiga kaliii aja." You said with awkward giggle. "Sekali lagi dapet piring cantik."
Then you picked up your cup from the cashier.
"Hm."
I couldn't find the best answer for your ridiculous statement. All I want was running away from that damn coffee shop (though it's my favorite coffee shop) after I punch your nose.
Thank you for giving me hatred towards you, but no, thank you for burning that feeling again. Once again.
For whole my life, why can't I be free from your existence?!

Ultimate Bad Day

So....
It's been a rough day. I was having maybe the bad day ever this year. 
Gue pikir nggak akan pernah gue nangis tahun ini, karena gue ngerasa fine-fine aja. Gue suka hidup gue. Keluarga gue masih lengkap, sehat, kenyang. Temen-temen gue semuanya sayang sama gue. Gue single, tapi gue lebih banyak senengnya daripada sedihnya. Keuangan gue baik. Kesehatan gue stabil.
I thought I was fine.
Siang ini karena suatu hal yang (sebenarnya) udah gue tumpuk berhari-hari, berminggu-minggu, berbulan-bulan tanpa bisa gue ceritain sama orang lain (well because there's no one to share) akhirnya meledak dalam waktu 15 menit. Selama ini gue bertahan di maki-maki, di marahin tanpa alasan... cuma karena sebaris kalimat di KTP gue, rupanya itu yang bikin gue beda dan akhirnya perlakuan ke gue pun juga beda.
15 menit.
Di rendahkan di depan banyak orang, bagaikan di tampar sana sini. Dipermalukan. Dihina.
Gue bisa cerita ke siapa? Temen-temen gue pada jauh tinggalnya. Keluarga gue... nggak banyak membantu, karena kami pun lagi sibuk sama bokap. Temen-temen kantor? Jangan ditanya.

Padahal gue lebih banyak memainkan peran "tempat sampah" belakangan ini. Atau kadang "orang serba bisa". Tergantung temen/keluarga gue ini perlunya apa. Gue lebih banyak mendengarkan dan menghibur. Tapi disaat gue kayak begini, mereka kemana? Asyik dengan masalah mereka yang sudah terselesaikan.

Gue cuma bisa ambil tissue, permisi ke toilet sebentar, nyalain keran, dan nangis sepuasnya. Gue pake kacamata gue seharian untuk nutupin mata gue yang kayak bola bekel, bengkak parah. Gue harus bisa menghadapi ini. Harus bisa.
Sendiri.

Hello Tumblr !

I'm back on Tumblr!
It's been quite time since I post something, so I kind of... forgot.... my password ._. ah well !
So I create this new account and post stuffs a day. My writings seem to be more dramatical and look like poets to me. I kind of like writing like this even though, yeah I'm still bad at it. But I try to be better!
I hope I'll post something more expressive everyday. Just wish me luck!~

Here is my Tumblr link : deborahamadis.tumblr.com

Re:frain ? Why did I pick that title?
So basically it's a word in music. Refrain (or chorus) is a part where you play repeatedly until the next sign to the other part. Refrain is also a part where you leave your first partition of the song and move to the next part. I was thinking "Well, my life sometimes like that." In english, refrain means to hold on something. I've been holding on myself lately and never get to express myself. I think I'll just go wild with my thoughts in this account. :)

Awkward Moment in Birthday Party

Last Monday was my big brother's (he actually is my cousin but yeah) birthday but we celebrated it last night. We had great feast and more than that, my cousin brought along his girlfriend. She's lovely and kind, and turned out we have same ex boyfriend. -_-
"But I hate him."
"Oh so do I."
And then we laughed so hard. Along with the happiness, my cousin dragged me to someplace quiet and asked me if his girlfriend was really the one for him. Because he didn't feel that way.
"Gue sebenernya setengah hati lho sama dia." kata Kakak gue. "Yang nembak pun dia, gue cuma iya-iya aja.."
"Lo sadar gak sih kak, udah bikin PHP orang? Memanfaatkan tampang lo? Menyakiti hati cewek??'
"Lho, yang mau kan dia."

Bukannya salah sih ya.. Tapi kok menurut gue kalo lo udah siap untuk memulai hubungan, suka atau nggak lo harus serius menjalaninya. Kalau dari awal udah setengah hati ngapain dijalanin sampai ngenalin ke orang tua segala? Ini pendapat gue sih ya.. kalo udah sampai dibawa ke acara keluarga yang sifatnya private kayak gini berarti udah serius kan? Karena pasti berlangsung ke pernikahan. FYI, keluarga gue dari dulu pasti menikah di usia segini.

Sepanjang acara, yang gue liat cuma kakak gue ngebully pacarnya sendiri. Dicubitin lah... diomelin lah... disuruh begini begitu... gue jadi kasihan. I mean, she's lovely! I can't stand this kind of situation actually...

Say It!

Gue punya beberapa temen deket. Beberapa memang sangat dekat sama gue, sampai di satu titik mereka bisa seenak jidatnya milih-milih cowok yang mau gue pacarin. Simply because they know me too well.
Diantara temen-temen deket gue ini, ada 2 orang yang lumayan sering jalan sama gue. Seorang cowok dan cewek. Okelah kita sebut si cowok B dan si cewek J.
Sejak kuliah gue sering nampung curhatan mereka berdua dan tentu nggak gue sebar-sebar macam pesona aja.
Tapi ada kalanya gue kejepit di kejadian kayak gini, kejadian yang bikin gue merasa bersalah, merasa gemas, merasa annoying.

B dan J sebenernya udah lebih dulu deket sebelum akhirnya gue masuk di lingkungan mereka berdua di tahun ke dua kita kuliah. Wajar aja kalau misalnya ada rasa lebih yang muncul di antara mereka, tapi sakit banget kalo cuma salah satu aja yang merasa begitu. B naksir J sebenarnya. Dan gue tahu yang naksir J itu nggak cuma dia.... -_- J itu temen gue yang bisa dibilang pinter dalam segala hal, lucu, cantik, dan supel. Siapa sih cowok yang nggak naksir cewek macam begitu?
Gue pun tahu B naksir J secara nggak sengaja, thanks to sifat blak-blakan gue yang suka pelit filter.
"Yailah kalo naksir sih ya naksir aja..." gue bilang ke B waktu itu, bercanda. Dia kelabakan, dan saat itulah gue tebak dia memang naksir.
"Tembak aja lah, gue seneng kok kalo temen deket gue jadian."  Sampai kita graduation pun---yang sebenernya adalah kesempatan bagus buat nembak---dia nggak bilang apa-apa sama J.
"Tapi kan elo tau Deb, dia sama si R."

J memang lagi complicated relationship sama temen gue yang lain, R namanya. Mereka berdua sama-sama suka tapi saling tarik ulur, saling gengsi. Akhirnya selama 3 tahun nggak ada kemajuan diantara mereka. Itu yang sering bikin J galau.
"Ya gue sih jujur suka sama diaaaa. Tapi dianya nggak pernah ngasih respon apa-apa ke gue, Deb." kata J.
"Lah kan jelas-jelas banget dia suka sama lo. Trus apa lagi?? Kok kalian ribet banget sih yaoloh..."

Gue frustasi.

Itu posisi gue selama hampir 3 tahun. Sampai sekarang keadaannya kurang lebih sama -_-
Di sisi satu B curhat tentang betapa sedihnya dia, di sisi lain J curhat tentang betapa galaunya dia karena hubungannya sama R nggak jelas mau dibawa kemana. DAMN, JUST SAY IT ALREADY!! Yaudah siihh.. bilang aja apa mau loo.... kok ribet banget ya hidup? Hidup udah ribet ya nggak usah ditambah lagi ribetnya!

Lebih baik lo bilang apa yang lo mau, daripada setelah telat nanti lo menyesal.

Too Close To The Sun

Icarus.
He could be free from Crete and escaped King Minos's Labyrinth with his wings, made from wax and feathers. He could.
His father warned him not to fly too close to the sun, for the wax would melt and he would fall into the sea. But the giddiness of flying, the curiosity about being close to the only light in the world led him to his death. He flew too close to the sun, then the wax melted off of his wings, left his arms flapping in the air without anything. He then fell into the sea in the area which today bears his name, Icarian Sea.

Seharusnya setiap orang punya sebuah garis yang bernama batasan. Sesuatu yang punya embel-embel "terlalu" itu nggak baik. Kamu terlalu dekat dengan matahari, kamu akan jatuh karena sayapmu meleleh. Mungkin gue harus mencegah diri gue sebelum gue terlalu dekat dengan matahari..... sebelum gue jatuh dan sadar gue nggak punya sayap lagi untuk bangkit lagi, terbang lagi.

That Piece I Wish I Didn't Needed

Hold still right before we crash 'cause we both know how this ends

A clock ticks till it breaks your glass and I drown in you again

'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need

Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?

If our love is sanity, why are you my clarity?

Satu paragraf yang mungkin 80% orang-orang di dunia hapal. Lirik lagunya Clarity by Zedd ft. Foxes. Tapi mungkin kebanyakan orang cuma menikmati "ajep-ajep"nya sambil goyang-goyang kepala daripada menikmati liriknya. Meski begitu gue akuin, lagunya enak buat didengerin apalagi kalo lagi kejebak macet.

But I don't want to write about the music. The music indeed awesome (and hey, I love Zedd too!) but I'm talking about the lyric. Gue termasuk orang-orang yang menikmati musik nggak hanya dari dentuman suaranya atau indahnya melodi lagu tersebut, tapi gue juga seorang pemerhati lirik lagu. Banyak lagu yang sebenernya biasa aja, tapi gue suka liriknya... so it goes to my playlist! :D

Jujur, gue nggak begitu meratiin arti dari lirik Clarity ini sampai suatu saat lagu ini diperuntukkan buat gue... dari seseorang.

Kalo diperhatiin lirik lagu ini tentang dua orang yang saling mencintai tapi karena terhalang sesuatu yang mustahil, tapi tetep dipaksain untuk "yaudah deh, jalanin aja dulu. Gimananya entar ya entar aja". Istilahnya pasrah sama something crazy you called love. Sesuatu yang mustahil yang gue bicarakan disini masih luas artiannya. Dan gue yakin di luar sana banyak yang mengalami hal kayak gini. Kayak lagu ini, pasrah sama kegilaan cinta.

Dua orang temen gue pacaran untuk waktu yang lama (sampe sekarang malah) padahal mereka berbeda keyakinan. And I know it's not easy if they--one day--decide to change their religion to another. "Ya gue sih jalanin aja dulu." Begitu katanya. Satu kalimat langsung ngebuat gue malas nanya lebih lanjut. Beberapa bulan lalu gue juga denger di radio--acara malam by the way, so it's more frontal--ketika gue mau jemput bokap dari bandara. Pas nungguin bokap, gue dengerin ada seorang cowok curhat di section itu. Dia suka sama sahabatnya sendiri, temen baik dari kecil. Semuanya sama; hobi, selera game, makanan kesukaan, kebiasaan, sampe jenis kelamin. Ya, cowok itu suka sama sahabatnya sesama cowok. Dia ngaku itu terjadi begitu aja dan dia tau sahabatnya ini normal. "Gue cuma pengen bareng dia. Let it flow aja meski sakit sih," katanya pas ditanya sama penyiar radio.

Masih inget cerita Twilight? Vampir dan manusia. Akhirnya salah satu harus berkorban.

Kalo lo tau bakal nyakitin hati, kenapa dari awal lo lakuin?

That's a common question for those kind of things. "Udah gatau lagi harus apa", "Udah terlanjur sayang", "Ya mau gimana lagi". Those reasons are stupid for me. But yeah, jangan lupa--kayak yang gue tulis diatas, lirik Clarity itu juga diperuntukkan buat gue. -_- (aww yeah shit like hell.)

Jarak mungkin hal yang paling kita berdua benci. Nomor dua mungkin traditional custom yang kita punya. Time zones are the third. Start yang salah, age, gender, jobs, perspective... yah itu embel-embel ajalah. Mungkin ini giliran gue untuk bilang "Ya mau gimana lagi."

If our love is sanity, why are you my clarity?