Me and Bullying

There are reasons why people are them. Reasons as it's their past, experiences, bad or good. Me, I'd like to think that those reasons are the "ingredients" to create people like they are now.
For example, there's reason why Mr. Jaden is so annoying to older woman. My personal thought: because his mom left him when he was very young. Or maybe because his older ex-girlfriend cheated on him. Or maybe he is just gay. See, there has to be a reason why Mr. Jaden is that way.
Another example, there must be a reason why Gilly is lesbian. She might liked girls since young, or maybe she was harassed by older people. Maybe she just crazy. Well, sorry!
There are reason why I am me. You'll never know, maybe my temper's born when I watched stupid Twilight; when Bella decided to transform herself to vampire and threw away her life for stupid Edward which...........--
Okay OOT.
Maybe my wicked self was born because of some people. Or maybe I'm just despicable that way. Or maybe I'm bullied.

Bullying.

That one word alone is quite sensitive for me to talk about.
I was bullied for 3 years for reasons that I didn't even know exactly why. Those 3 years were the worst time of my worst nightmare. I barely hold on. You may find this stupid, being all sentimental over some silly mockery. Almost all people in my school mocked me and called me "Bawa Sial!"--bad luck. It was so bad that I couldn't leisurely walk on the school corridor. They would walked so far from me as if I brought Zika virus with me, ready to infect them. They pursued other students to stay away from me. One of them stepped on my lunch (yeah, that didn't happen just once). They even tore my profile on year book.

Not only bullying, actually, I happened to experience some minor problem, like my boyfriend cheated on me with his three girlfriends, family issues, health condition...
I almost killed myself at the end of my first year in high school. In the end, my parents knew it before I could have done it. See, there's always a reason to something. I wore bracelet in my high school years because I was scared, I might try to kill myself again. Stupid, I know. But at that time, that was the only way I know. I wore bracelets on my both hands until college--first year.

It was so bad that I barely made friends---in the end they didn't really have my back. Well, right now I don't care about them. My mom insisted that I should always come to her everyday, to tell her about my day at school. She didn't want to leave me alone. Well imagine how I survive 3 years of bullying, alone, with the thought of killing myself EVERYDAY. My mom made sure I didn't go lunatic.

Okay enough with depressing story.

Since then, I'm all about "self-proving". I learnt many things just so people don't call me bad luck.
I believe in myself alone, and no one I can trust. I build my own wall and sometimes, just some rare times I wore "mask" just to hide myself. I know it's not good, but that's me.
When you faced someone who tried used to try to kill herself everyday, you know something had happened.

See, reasons.

Hello Tumblr !

I'm back on Tumblr!
It's been quite time since I post something, so I kind of... forgot.... my password ._. ah well !
So I create this new account and post stuffs a day. My writings seem to be more dramatical and look like poets to me. I kind of like writing like this even though, yeah I'm still bad at it. But I try to be better!
I hope I'll post something more expressive everyday. Just wish me luck!~

Here is my Tumblr link : deborahamadis.tumblr.com

Re:frain ? Why did I pick that title?
So basically it's a word in music. Refrain (or chorus) is a part where you play repeatedly until the next sign to the other part. Refrain is also a part where you leave your first partition of the song and move to the next part. I was thinking "Well, my life sometimes like that." In english, refrain means to hold on something. I've been holding on myself lately and never get to express myself. I think I'll just go wild with my thoughts in this account. :)

Too Close To The Sun

Icarus.
He could be free from Crete and escaped King Minos's Labyrinth with his wings, made from wax and feathers. He could.
His father warned him not to fly too close to the sun, for the wax would melt and he would fall into the sea. But the giddiness of flying, the curiosity about being close to the only light in the world led him to his death. He flew too close to the sun, then the wax melted off of his wings, left his arms flapping in the air without anything. He then fell into the sea in the area which today bears his name, Icarian Sea.

Seharusnya setiap orang punya sebuah garis yang bernama batasan. Sesuatu yang punya embel-embel "terlalu" itu nggak baik. Kamu terlalu dekat dengan matahari, kamu akan jatuh karena sayapmu meleleh. Mungkin gue harus mencegah diri gue sebelum gue terlalu dekat dengan matahari..... sebelum gue jatuh dan sadar gue nggak punya sayap lagi untuk bangkit lagi, terbang lagi.

Sepatu

Sebuah cerita.
Sederet paragraf bisu untuk kisah sebentarku. Sebentuk pikiran untuk ku ceritakan disini karena tidak mungkin dia mengerti, tidak mungkin dia tahu. Mengagumi dari jauh.

"Aku serigala. Aku liar dan bebas.
Cakarku mantap, menapak diatas tanah hangat dibawahku. Rerumputan menari menggelitik kaki-kakiku, mendukung eksistensiku di bumi ini. Ketika langit senja mencium horizon bumi, ketika seharusnya kaumku bersiap mencari makannya, ketika seharusnya aku menyiapkan cakarku untuk seekor buruan, disinilah aku berdiri; paling tinggi diantara bukit-bukit bunga daisy, paling dekat dengan langit. Aku menunggu. Dan aku terus menunggu.
Seratus enam puluh tiga tarikan napas selanjutnya, datanglah ia, sesosok indah putih bersinar terang tenangkan hatiku. Aku mendamba sang bulan yang setia ikuti aku dalam malam-malamku. Kadang ia turun menjejakkan kakinya atas bumi yang juga kupijak, memberi harapan dalam hatiku. Kadang ia terhalang awan gelap, samarkan terangnya. Aku melolong merindunya. RInduku padamu, wahai bulan.
Dua dunia. Dua eksistensi. Dua keistimewaan. Tapi hanya dia yang kutunggu tiap malam, hanya dia yang bisa memutar balikkan logika dan hasratku.
Aku menginginkannya."

Cerita gue ini datang di otak gue ketika banyak cerita dari temen-temen gue yang kisahnya layak dapet tempat di FTV atau mini drama.

"Kita sadar ingin bersama, tapi tak bisa apa-apa"
"Gue cukup mengagumi dia dari jauh"
"Yang aku tahu aku cinta dia. Gimana nanti ya entar ajalah...."
"Gue cinta dia tanpa mandang dia dari keluarga mana dan gender apa dia."

I live in this dramatical place called earth. Kadang gue sebagai kaum hawa pengen nangis kalo denger cerita yang nyakitin hati gue kayak begitu, walau itu bukan kisah gue.
Gue pun mungkin bisa mencintai seseorang sampai-sampai gue bisa tinggalkan semua alasan eksistensi gue demi dia. Tapi kalau orang itu ternyata nggak bisa melakukan hal yang sebaliknya buat gue, untuk apa gue pertahankan cinta gue ke dia?
Sakit? Ya sakit. Sakitnya kalau ternyata mengagumi dari jauh itu ternyata percuma--cuma menghabiskan energi dan airmata.

"Cinta memang banyak bentuknya, tapi tak semua bisa bersatu"
--Tulus (Sepatu)